“If”… The Word That Steals Your Sleep — Resigning from Yourself

A Name at Two

At two in the morning, hours before an interview for a design job, Lina scrolled through the names in her phone, looking for someone to talk to. She stopped at one name she could not call: her father’s. If she called at this hour, he would ask what had happened. She would have to tell him about an interview he knew nothing about.

She closed her contacts. Her shoes were beside the door. On top of her bag lay the portfolio from her course, with a logo she had redrawn six times. She had read about the organization, reviewed her résumé, and practiced her answers in the mirror.

She typed a likely interview question into the search bar: why do you want to leave accounting? She read an answer, adapted it to sound like her, then deleted it. She began asking: what if I stumble over my words? What if another woman’s work is better?

Her husband stirred on the other side of the bed. “How long till morning?” “I’m going to sleep now,” she said. She turned the phone facedown. In the dark, she began repeating the answer she had deleted, word by word. She heard a faint notification sound. Her hand reached for the edge of the phone before she knew what she was looking for.

At three, a new page of questions appeared. She memorized two that had not been on her list and searched for their answers. She did not open the portfolio containing her logo once during that hour. Everything she could accomplish was ready by the door. Everything she was searching for on her phone had no end.

Your body is in bed, and your mind is in a room you have not yet entered. You know the answers. Then you repeat them, searching for one that can guarantee tomorrow. How many nights have you given to a conversation that has not happened? And what part of that conversation can you actually control at this hour?

When What You Do Not Know Worries You

What exactly are you afraid of? You may not find a clear answer, even though the worry will not settle.

In a small preliminary study, Michel Dugas and colleagues compared twenty-four people with generalized anxiety disorder with twenty people who were not patients¹. Intolerance of uncertainty was among the most prominent factors distinguishing the groups. This finding points you toward a useful question: how do you deal with the sentence “I don’t know”?

When you are waiting for a medical test result or a reply to a message, not knowing the answer also weighs on you. You fill the gap with one possibility, then a worse one. The unknown itself adds weight to your worry.

“If” Works in Two Directions

Notice the word that kept recurring in Lina’s mind: if. What if this happens? The same word works in another direction, after something has happened: if only I had done this.

Researcher Neal Roese brought together decades of studies on this counterfactual thinking². In the short term, we regret actions we took more. Over the long term, missed opportunities stand out more: the university we did not attend, the words we did not say, the trip we put off.

The “if” of the past creates regret. The “if” of the future creates worry. Both pull you away from the moment you can actually control now.

What Remains Within Your Control

Abu Bakr was with the Prophet ﷺ in the cave. Abu Bakr recounts saying to the Prophet ﷺ: “If one of them looked beneath his feet, he would see us”. The Prophet ﷺ replied: “O Abu Bakr! What do you think of two (persons) the third of whom is Allah?” (Al-Bukhari 3653)³.

The word “if” appears in Abu Bakr’s description of what might happen. You can name what worries you, then turn toward what supports you in that moment. Turning every possibility into an endless chain is what we examine in this chapter’s tool.

Lina’s question about the interview differs from the situation in the cave, but the practical question is the same: what is within her control now? She has prepared her answers. She can put the phone aside and sleep. The interviewer’s opinion and the applicant who may come after her are not tasks she can accomplish at three in the morning.

The Limits of Your Control

In his book The Worry Cure⁴, therapist Robert Leahy distinguishes between two kinds of worry. Productive worry leads to preparation or a step you can take. Unproductive worry circles the same possibilities without opening a way to act.

Lina needed preparation, rather than going through the same preparation for the tenth time after midnight.

In a study published in 2020, researchers Lucas LaFreniere and Michelle Newman asked twenty-nine people with generalized anxiety disorder, while they were in treatment, to record their worries every day for ten days⁵. They tracked the outcomes of these worries over thirty days. About 91% of the recorded predictions did not come true during follow-up. For these participants, worry overestimated what would happen.

That night, after three, Lina wrote in her phone’s notes, “Sleep now.” Beneath it she wrote, “Make sure I go into the interview calm.” One line she could control, one she could not guarantee, on the same list. To guarantee the second, she returned to the page of questions. She did not sleep until close to dawn.

When to use it: When worry circles an outcome you cannot control. Time needed: A suggested ten minutes for the first column. Then put the sheet away until it is time to take the step you wrote down.

Return to this exercise whenever a new “if” visits:

Write the two lists: One sheet, two columns. In the first: steps you can take now, such as preparing and setting your bedtime tonight. In the second: outcomes you cannot guarantee, such as your interviewer’s opinion or the presence of another candidate.
Put each “if” in its column: For every sentence beginning “What if” or “If only I,” ask: where does it belong? If it goes in the second column, notice it without arguing with it. Then direct your attention to a step you can take in the first.
Replace the sentence, not the feeling: Instead of “What if they reject me?” say, “I’ve prepared what I can. The rest is beyond my control.” You are allowed to feel worried. But do not give it a new scenario to play out every time.
Set aside one time for productive worry: Just ten minutes to prepare for a step you can take, rather than replay the same scenario. Write down your step and when you will take it, then close the file.

If you fall: When you return to the same scenario, put the new “if” in its column and choose one action from your first column.

A Shorter Night

On the morning of the interview, after three hours of sleep, they asked Lina the question she had stayed up preparing for: why do you want to leave accounting? “I’m tired of numbers,” she said, then stumbled as she tried to correct the sentence. After that, she opened her portfolio and showed them the logo she had redrawn six times. Her voice steadied.

That evening, she sat at the kitchen table with the answer circling in her mind. What if they misunderstood it? What if they thought she was bored with her work and would grow bored with theirs too?

She took a sheet and drew a line to divide it into two columns: “What I can control” and “What I can’t control.” In the first, she wrote: a short thank-you message to the interviewers, and sleep before midnight. In the second, she wrote: their decision. Then her question: “What if they misunderstood my answer?” The answer had been given. How they understood it was now in their hands, not hers. She wrote a three-line thank-you message, sent it, and crossed it off the first column. Then she put her phone on the kitchen shelf and went into the bedroom without it.

In bed, “if” returned with a new question: “What if they reject me because of that sentence?” She almost got up to go to the kitchen and check whether they had replied. Then, in her mind, she put the question back where it belonged: the second column, alongside their decision. In the first column, only sleep remained. She whispered, “I’ve sent what I can. The rest is beyond my control.” Her husband asked sleepily, “What did you say?” “I’m going to sleep now,” she said, and fell asleep before midnight.

A Night Without “If”

One question tonight, not tomorrow: which column holds the “if” that has kept you awake more than once this month?

Then finish this sentence before turning off the light: “The first thing within my control tomorrow morning is…”

The morning after the interview, Lina put her portfolio in the drawer and turned her phone facedown on the table. Before leaving for work, she turned it over three times to see whether a reply had arrived. Then she slipped it into her bag and went out.