Appendices

When It Happens Again

This book is not a one-time read. You will come back to it at a particular moment: after a promise you broke, a word you almost said, or a long night when you could not sleep.

These pages are for that moment. Find the situation that sounds like yours, take its tool, and choose one step to start with. If you need the explanation, turn back to the chapter listed.

Part One: Promises on Water

- When you keep your promises to others and break your promises to yourself. Tool: “A Deal with Yourself” — chapter 1. Step: Give one promise a day, a time, and a place. Send the appointment to a friend who will ask you about it.

- When you start with enthusiasm, then your determination fades after a few days. Tool: “A Steady Anchor” — chapter 2. Step: Attach a very small habit to a moment that repeats in your day: “After my morning coffee, I read two pages.”

- When you hear yourself say, “Just this once.” Tool: “The Chalk Line” — chapter 3. Step: Write one rule beginning with “I don’t,” without “often” or “usually.”

- When you do not know where your days go. Tool: “The Weekly Record” — chapter 4. Step: Write down one number tonight: How many minutes did you spend today with someone you love?

Part Two: When We Gently Deceive Ourselves

- When you put off what you know matters, not out of laziness, but to escape an uncomfortable feeling¹. Tool: “A Real Friendship with Tomorrow” — chapter 5. Step: Shrink the task to something you can do in two minutes, and start now.

- When every shortcoming has a ready excuse. Tool: “Questioning the Lawyer” — chapter 6. Step: Take the last excuse you gave and ask: If a friend said this to me, would I believe it?

- When you tell yourself, “I did something good there, so it’s fine to fall short here.” Tool: “One Standard for Work and Home” — chapter 7. Step: Put the good you did at work and the ways you fell short at home this week on one list. Then arrange a time within the next week with the person you made the postponed promise to.

- When you do not know whether you reject the belief itself or the way it was imposed on you. Tool: “The Second Signature” — chapter 8. Step: Choose one belief and ask: If I were choosing from scratch today, would I choose it?

Part Three: What We Tell No One

- When your inner voice scolds you every night. Tool: “A Friend’s Voice” — chapter 9. Step: Rephrase the last judgment you passed on yourself as you would say it to a friend you love.

- When a hurtful word is on the tip of your tongue, or you smile at everyone and explode at those closest to you. Tool: “A Brief Truce, and the Right Door” — chapter 10. Step: Sit down and give yourself ten minutes before saying anything or sending a message.

- When a thought crosses your mind that makes you afraid of yourself. Tool: “The Passing Guest” — chapter 11. Step: Call it “a passing guest” and continue what you were doing. If the thought causes noticeable distress, disrupts your life, or takes up a lot of your time, seek an assessment from a qualified professional.

- When “if” steals your sleep. Tool: “The Limits of Your Control” — chapter 12. Step: Divide your worries into what you can control and what you cannot. Before bed, say: “I’ve prepared what I can. The rest is beyond my control.”

Part Four: The Faces We Wear

- When you leave the screen feeling poorer than when you came to it. Tool: “A Window to Learn Through, a Life to Live” — chapter 13. Step: At the first picture that makes you feel inadequate, ask: Do I actually want this, or do I want to avoid looking inferior to the person who has it?

- When you wait for likes after every post. Tool: “A Window to Learn Through, a Life to Live” — chapter 13. Step: Turn off like notifications in one app.

- When being corrected bothers you. Tool: “The Subtler Mask” — chapter 13. Step: If the person is right, say, “Yes, you’re right about that,” without an explanation that cancels it out.

- When what you once wished for becomes ordinary. Tool: “Seeing What Might Never Have Happened” — chapter 14. Step: Imagine that it might never have come, then name one detail about it that you appreciate.

- When you justify an action that harms someone else by saying your intention was good. Tool: “The Reversed Question” — chapter 15. Step: Ask: If someone else did this for a worldly reason, would I accept it? If you would not, put the action right now.

- When you are afraid to question someone who speaks in religion’s name. Tool: “Separate the Message from Its Messenger” — chapter 16. Step: Write one question about an opinion you heard, and set a time within the next week to send it.

Part Five: Again

- When Ramadan ends and takes what you built with it. Tool: “Your Time Landmarks” — chapter 17. Step: Choose an upcoming landmark on your calendar. Use it to arrange a fixed time, a prepared corner, or a companion who will ask you how it went.

- When your body is here and your mind is on the screen. Tool: “Another Room” — chapter 18. Step: Put your phone in another room for half an hour every day. If needed, leave the ringer on for one number.

- When you stumble after months of keeping your promise. Tool: “Three Sentences After a Lapse” — chapter 19. Step: Describe what happened in proportion to the event itself, rather than your feelings about it. Then return today with the smallest step.

Your Two-Week Plan

Choose one promise. Each day, use a tool from the book to review how you have prepared to keep it. Do not add a new promise to your list. This is a chance to try reviewing your progress, not a guarantee that your habit will be fully formed by the end. Our example is Lina’s promise: twenty minutes of design every evening, with a witness she has chosen asking what she did. Replace it with your own promise, and keep its scheduled time throughout the plan.

1. Day One: Write the promise and the time you will carry it out. Send the appointment to a witness you name. “A Deal with Yourself,” chapter 1.
2. Day Two: Prepare the place and what you need. Tie the start to a recurring cue in your day. “A Steady Anchor,” chapter 2.
3. Day Three: Name the recurring exception and write a clear rule for it beginning with “I don’t.” “The Chalk Line,” chapter 3.
4. Day Four: Record what you actually did, in minutes or pages. Do not put your intention where the number belongs. “The Weekly Record,” chapter 4.
5. Day Five: Shrink the first step to two minutes, and begin it at the scheduled time. “A Real Friendship with Tomorrow,” chapter 5.
6. Day Six: Write the last excuse and ask: If a friend said this to me, would I believe it? “Questioning the Lawyer,” chapter 6.
7. Day Seven: Keep today’s promise without using yesterday’s success to excuse yourself from it. “One Standard for Work and Home,” chapter 7.
8. Day Eight: Write why you chose this promise for yourself, and what you want to carry forward from it. “The Second Signature,” chapter 8.
9. Day Nine: Rephrase one sentence of blame as you would say it to a friend. Then name the step you can take. “A Friend’s Voice,” chapter 9.
10. Day Ten: Separate what you can control from what you cannot, and take one step from the first column. “The Limits of Your Control,” chapter 12.
11. Day Eleven: For one day, remove a source of comparison that changes your goal without your choosing it. “A Window to Learn Through, a Life to Live,” chapter 13.
12. Day Twelve: Imagine the absence of something that makes your promise possible. Then name one specific detail you have grown used to. “Seeing What Might Never Have Happened,” chapter 14.
13. Day Thirteen: Put the phone away during the time set aside for your promise, allowing for urgent needs. “Another Room,” chapter 18.
14. Day Fourteen: Describe what happened, adjust one condition, and set the next appointment. “Three Sentences After a Lapse,” chapter 19.

On Lina’s sheet, the line begins with the time, the place, and the witness’s name. Then she adds the design file she will open, the time she actually worked, and the excuse she gave. If she misses a day, she does not need to start the fourteen days again. She goes back to what was missing from her preparations and to her next scheduled design session. It is still the same promise, but now the sheet shows her where she stops following through.

In the conclusion, under “Tomorrow, the First Anchor,” you wrote down a time to start. You can use that time in this plan. If you discover that the size of the promise does not fit your day, reconsider its size before writing a second promise.

When You Want to Quit a Habit

You can return to the same tools when you want to change your relationship with sweets or sugary foods, or quit smoking. Begin with a rule you chose yourself and whose limits you understand. This is a way to prepare and review an action, not a dietary or medical prescription.

1. Write “I don’t” precisely: Name the exception you want to stop, rather than the open-ended “I’ll cut down.” A rule for sweets might be: “I don’t eat sweets after sunset.” For smoking: “I don’t smoke, even on nights out.” Return to “The Chalk Line,” chapter 3.
2. Change the place and the cue: Identify where the action begins for you. Prepare what you will do, rather than slipping into the usual loop without choosing to. Return to “A Steady Anchor,” chapter 2.
3. Tell a witness: Give them the rule and a time to ask about it. Ask them to inquire about what happened, not judge you. Return to “A Deal with Yourself,” chapter 1.
4. Prepare the return sentence: “A lapse happened here. I’ll change this condition and return at the next appointment.” Return to “Three Sentences After a Lapse,” chapter 19.

Read It with a Friend

In “The Fifth Alarm,” chapter 1, we saw that a promise someone else sees lasts longer. The same goes for a commitment to reading.

Choose a friend, a brother, or a small group of no more than five. Read one chapter each week, no more. You do not need to be alike. This book is for anyone who wants to understand their promises and habits, whether they have begun, stumbled, or are still asking questions. You can read it together even if your experiences differ.

At the end of the week, sit together for half an hour or start a call. Each person has three questions:

1. Which sentence in the chapter felt as though it had been written about you?
2. Which step did you try this week, and what actually happened?
3. What will you try next week, and exactly when?

Then each person writes their promise, and the others ask about it at the next meeting.

No one is asked to share what they do not want to. What is said in the meeting stays there. Each of you is a witness for the other, not a judge.